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  2. Quotes by Henny Youngman
  3. 02/03/2018

Quotes by Henny Youngman

Quotes by Henny Youngman

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Take my wife… Please!
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.
If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

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